Mr Wheat says "sack the bloody lot of us"

according to the book 'fast food nation', there is something called 'character appeal quadrant analysis' ran by the 'character lab', (i remember the name 'interbrand' coming in here, too [google it]). caqa is a process undertaken to determine the popularity of cartoon mascots for products aimed at children.

kellogs have existed since before caqa, and have probably never used it, which explains the sloppy mess that is 'mr wheat'.

i mean fuck, look at him. i can't remember the name of the product - i think it was the dwisott 'frosted wheats' - but how could kellogs make a worse job of promoting this often-canceled cereal concept?
lets take mr. wheat apart.

firstly, what is he? he is a frosted wheat - a pillow of spun wheat, like a small shredded wheat. that's not too bad an idea to begin with, but it's not going to make him cute, if that's the objective. i mean, he's just like a primitive shreddie really. note that he's not actually wheat in it's purest form, which could get a bit like joseph's dream (you know, with all the other bunches of wheat bowing down to him).

secondly, his none-wheat bits - we've got disembodied, floating, gloved, hands (is there actually anything in them at all, or is he just moving them around with the power of his mind?), and two eyes. dark, mournful eyes. souless, confused, and very worried eyes.

so thirdly, his mouth. the horror. do you remember oogie boogie in 'tim burton's nightmare before christmas'? a big sack of awful bugs? that's what mr wheat's mouth reminds me of. it's dark in there. it's empty, or rather, it's just made of wierd animated wheat, like some gluten golem.

also, he has a big silver back like an elderly gorilla, or so i infer from the picture of the frosted wheats themselves.

lastly, at the bottom of the pack are more mr. wheats.. so our mr wheat is not the only one. there's millions of them, and they all look as terrible as the huge one. and mr wheat is about to commit cannibalism by eating a bowl of himself.

mr wheat most reminds me of 'pizza the hutt' from mel brook's 'spaceballs', and i think that's why i hate him so much.